The End of A Difficult Week

For much of the past year I've thought about moving, getting away, starting over. Now, things are in the works to do just that and I feel relief, sadness, apprehension, and excitement all at once. I know that moving is the right thing to do. Aside from the wonderful friends I have made here, there is only one reason to stay and so many reasons to leave. It will break my heart to move Sidney away from her father, but I keep reminding myself that breaking up my family was not my decision. I am simply making the best of my life with what I've been given.

This has been a difficult week for me. There is now a For Sale sign in front of my community, there is a bag of shoe booties inside my front door, and there is a sign reminding people to close the door to keep the cat inside. I had two Realtor open houses this week and Sunday is the first public open house. I feel violated having strangers walking through my home, and I am, once again, reminded that everything going on in my life is happening because of someone else's choices and decisions.

I know I am doing the right thing. There is a better life waiting for me elsewhere. I moved to California with my husband looking for a better life, found one, and then had it taken away. It's time to try again, but this time I'm playing by my own rules. I am going to surround myself with family. A family I love. A family I trust. A family I can count on.

It will be difficult to leave this house that I love - the house in which I thought I would raise my daughter. But, hopefully, I will soon be packing my things and Sidney's and heading East on I-40. Next stop: Albuquerque.

Stay tuned...

Hi, I'm 13 months old and I'm taking steps!

I couldn't decide when to stop taking these month pictures in her pink chair. Do we stop at one year or keep going? We decided to keep going because it's just so much fun. As a special treat, Sidney decided to take her first steps for Mom and Dad during this photo shoot! She just got up out of the chair, took two steps, and sat down. Everyone was so excited that she did it a second time. It was actually nice that she did it when both me and her dad were here. I had imagined that her first real steps would happen at day care, or with only me in the evening, or perhaps with her dad on his weekend day. I suppose the universe wanted us to share in Sidney's special moment because we were all together and Dad had the camera in hand. Just look how excited she was!!

It's Time

I started this blog just about a year ago. My intention was to let this be a place my family and friends could visit to keep up with the Swanson Family. I named it Nine Mile Hike because two of the best days of my life were spent doing just that - hiking on a nine mile round trip in the Sierras. And my hope was to bring our daughter along on the next one, and the next one, and the one after that. One year later things are very different. Events have taken place that I never imagined, and certainly couldn't have prepared for. I am in the middle of a divorce, raising a one-year-old, and trying to get my bearings. A friend recently helped me put my finger on how this feels. It's as if my compass is broken. I'm still moving, but I can't seem to figure out which direction I'm going. More and more I realize that this can be a good thing. A chance to start over. A chance to try again. A chance to get it right next time.

It hasn't been easy getting here, but I'm here. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rinse, repeat. Acceptance was the hard part - is the hard part. What I've learned is that being waist-deep in this and finding my way out has given me an amazing opportunity to rediscover myself. It has also taught me how valuable friends are, and how much strength they can give you. I have wonderful people in my life who have helped me in so many ways. Some have talked to me on the phone for hours. Some have taken me out on the town. Some have opened their door to me. And some have just sat and cried with me.

I don't know what my future will be, but one thing is certain. I have a bright, happy, and, dare I say, brilliant daughter with whom I get to share that future. She has gotten me through my darkest days and always has a smile for me, even when I am looking at her through tears. It won't always be easy, but it will always be worth it.