Hi, I'm 15 months old!

I love this picture of Sidney being her usual silly self!

How do you like my polka dots?

Three Weeks To Go

After today, I will have three weeks of work left here in California. This morning, I was looking out the office window at the beautiful mountains north of L.A. and realized how much I will miss that view. It's especially lovely today - no smog, snow on Mount Baldy, and a clear view of the Hollywood sign and downtown L.A. You may have heard me say that I can take or leave L.A., but I love California. I have really grown attached over the past seven plus years and I know I will miss it terribly. There are amazing places within a day's drive of here and I didn't get to visit as many as I would have liked.

For some reason, though, I don't feel as sad as I thought I would. Perhaps it's because it hasn't hit me yet, or, hopefully, it is because I am very comfortable with my decision to leave. In addition, I have recently realized how lucky I am. No, not because I had divorce thrown at me like a Randy Johnson fastball, but because I am more prepared for this than some people are. I'm not a woman who has been solely dependent on her husband. I have a college education, I have a great job, and I have a substantial support system of family and friends. Each of these things is coming with me. Some people lose a great deal more in divorces.

But I am making some trades. I am trading California for New Mexico. I am trading my 5th floor office with a view for another 5th floor office with a view. I am trading the Santa Monica and San Gabriel mountains for the Sandias and Manzanos. I am trading my house for rooming with Aunt Janet and Uncle Joe. And I am trading some very good friends for family. This is the toughest trade of all - the perfect definition of bittersweet.

Will it be tough to walk out of my office on December 17? Yes. Will it break my heart to walk out of my house on December 21? Yes. Will I cry saying goodbye to my friends? Absolutely. But it will feel so good to hit the road with Sidney and my parents and head East to my new home and a new life.

What a difference a month makes

Reading my last post from October 10, I realize just how much has happened in a few short weeks. Back then, I was depressed about selling my house and nervous about moving without a job. I knew the time was right for a change, though. I have had almost a year to decide what to do for me and Sidney, and I had never wanted to make a snap decision.

I was very upset when I put my house on the market, but that turned out to be a major turning point. Everything started to come together after that. I had offers on the house within a week and an accepted offer within three. It's not a completely done deal yet, but it looks good. Then, with the help of some very supportive management, I was given an opportunity to keep my job and work from my company's offices in Albuquerque. I can't quite explain how I felt when that was offered to me. I felt like crying in my director's office right then and there. To be able to move with a job is one thing, but to keep the one I am familiar with is quite a gift indeed.

One thing the past year has taught me is that I have so many people in my life who love me and care about me. I don't know what I would have done without my mom and dad to call whenever I need them. Aunt Janet and Uncle Joe have offered their home to me and Sid while we get settled in Albuquerque, and they've even offered to babysit! (Is it possible that I'll finally be able to go out for dinner to a place that doesn't have highchairs?) My managers at work did not want to lose me and made this job transfer a reality. I've had people all over the country praying for us or sending positive thoughts across the miles. I even had a women's prayer group in Connecticut supporting us!

So, with all that in place I can concentrate on my future. I am butterflies-in-my-tummy excited about living near family. Sidney will get to grow up with some of her cousins, and so will I!! To top it off, Albuquerque is such a beautiful place. I have always enjoyed visiting, and can hardly believe I'll be living there in just over a month. I am excited about all the things me and Sidney will do there, and I'm looking forward to making a new home for us.

There is a lot to do between now and then, but it all seems so easy now. I have always held stress in my shoulders, and for the past several months I have felt like my shoulders were up near my ears with tightness. I noticed this morning with a smile that the tightness is gone. For the first time in almost a year, I feel like my compass is working again. I know where I am and I know where I am going and I know it is right.

Hi, I'm 14 months old!

Within the past month, Sidney has gone from wobbly steps to practically running around. It's all happening so fast, but everyone says that. She's also saying some words: apple, ball, bath, up, uh-oh, and a few others. This is getting more and more fun everyday!!

The End of A Difficult Week

For much of the past year I've thought about moving, getting away, starting over. Now, things are in the works to do just that and I feel relief, sadness, apprehension, and excitement all at once. I know that moving is the right thing to do. Aside from the wonderful friends I have made here, there is only one reason to stay and so many reasons to leave. It will break my heart to move Sidney away from her father, but I keep reminding myself that breaking up my family was not my decision. I am simply making the best of my life with what I've been given.

This has been a difficult week for me. There is now a For Sale sign in front of my community, there is a bag of shoe booties inside my front door, and there is a sign reminding people to close the door to keep the cat inside. I had two Realtor open houses this week and Sunday is the first public open house. I feel violated having strangers walking through my home, and I am, once again, reminded that everything going on in my life is happening because of someone else's choices and decisions.

I know I am doing the right thing. There is a better life waiting for me elsewhere. I moved to California with my husband looking for a better life, found one, and then had it taken away. It's time to try again, but this time I'm playing by my own rules. I am going to surround myself with family. A family I love. A family I trust. A family I can count on.

It will be difficult to leave this house that I love - the house in which I thought I would raise my daughter. But, hopefully, I will soon be packing my things and Sidney's and heading East on I-40. Next stop: Albuquerque.

Stay tuned...

Hi, I'm 13 months old and I'm taking steps!

I couldn't decide when to stop taking these month pictures in her pink chair. Do we stop at one year or keep going? We decided to keep going because it's just so much fun. As a special treat, Sidney decided to take her first steps for Mom and Dad during this photo shoot! She just got up out of the chair, took two steps, and sat down. Everyone was so excited that she did it a second time. It was actually nice that she did it when both me and her dad were here. I had imagined that her first real steps would happen at day care, or with only me in the evening, or perhaps with her dad on his weekend day. I suppose the universe wanted us to share in Sidney's special moment because we were all together and Dad had the camera in hand. Just look how excited she was!!

It's Time

I started this blog just about a year ago. My intention was to let this be a place my family and friends could visit to keep up with the Swanson Family. I named it Nine Mile Hike because two of the best days of my life were spent doing just that - hiking on a nine mile round trip in the Sierras. And my hope was to bring our daughter along on the next one, and the next one, and the one after that. One year later things are very different. Events have taken place that I never imagined, and certainly couldn't have prepared for. I am in the middle of a divorce, raising a one-year-old, and trying to get my bearings. A friend recently helped me put my finger on how this feels. It's as if my compass is broken. I'm still moving, but I can't seem to figure out which direction I'm going. More and more I realize that this can be a good thing. A chance to start over. A chance to try again. A chance to get it right next time.

It hasn't been easy getting here, but I'm here. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, rinse, repeat. Acceptance was the hard part - is the hard part. What I've learned is that being waist-deep in this and finding my way out has given me an amazing opportunity to rediscover myself. It has also taught me how valuable friends are, and how much strength they can give you. I have wonderful people in my life who have helped me in so many ways. Some have talked to me on the phone for hours. Some have taken me out on the town. Some have opened their door to me. And some have just sat and cried with me.

I don't know what my future will be, but one thing is certain. I have a bright, happy, and, dare I say, brilliant daughter with whom I get to share that future. She has gotten me through my darkest days and always has a smile for me, even when I am looking at her through tears. It won't always be easy, but it will always be worth it.

Hi, I am one!!

I love this picture of my silly Sid on her first birthday. We celebrated with a cupcake from Suzie Cakes and a cool gift from Mommy. She ate a handful of icing and that was about it. She seemed to enjoy the feeling of the cake and icing in her hands more than the taste. We'll see how she does with Grandma's devil's food cake this weekend.

Hi, I'm eleven months old!

I can't believe I forgot to post the eleven month picture! Sidney is one week shy of twelve months already. I love this picture of her. It's a perfect image of her personality. She's so happy and usually a little silly, too. She is such a good kid - only cries when something is really wrong, and is cranky when she's tired. Lots of changes are coming with turning one next week. She'll have a birthday party with all the grandparents flying to California to celebrate. The following week, she'll be transitioning to the toddler room at her day care. She's already spending time there during the day and seems to love it. Her teacher says it's difficult to get her back into the infant room sometimes.

I promise not to take so long with the next picture. Yeah, right!

Hi, I'm ten months old!

Yup, ten months. Sidney is really developing her personality now and expressing new feelings like excitement, frustration, sadness, and curiosity. Fortunately, she is still happy most of the time. She's got some top teeth trying to make an appearance which is causing a bit of intestinal distress (and lots of Spray N Wash.) She enjoys bubble baths, but doesn't like to get out of the tub. She doesn't like to have her toys taken away, and really lets you know it. She is doing extremely well in school and has a best friend, Kamryn, who is her partner-in-crime. They are the oldest in the room and have the run of the place. At home, she is crawling all over the place and has begun pulling up to her knees. Walking will be here before long and then it's off to the races!

Sidney is taking two vacations this month. First is a trip to Florida to meet her cousins for the first time, and then a trip to Albuquerque for Cousin Jennifer's wedding. She'll meet more cousins there and enjoy some time in the mountains for the first time. Stay tuned for vacation photos.

Hi, I'm Nine Months Old!

Two pictures this month. Guess which one was taken before her evening bottle and which one was after? Hint: no one who is hungry is happy.

So, what's going on with Sidney at nine months? She is in the early stages of crawling, but doesn't seem to be in a hurry to get around. I'm fine with that. It's going to be difficult to keep an eye on her since it's just me and her most of the time. She's got a second tooth coming in and this one came in as quietly as the first. No fuss. No fury. She's still sleeping through the night with few exceptions, and even managed to sleep through an earthquake this week that woke me up and got my heart pounding. She loves her daycare. I know this because as soon as I put her on the floor in the morning she doesn't give me a second look. It's play time with her teachers and friends, and bye-bye Mommy!

She's got a busy summer ahead. First is a plane ride with Daddy to visit Grandma Sue, Uncle Kris, Aunt Wendy, and cousins John and James in Florida. Then, a long road trip from L.A. with Mommy, Grandma 'Leen, Grampa Joe, Uncle Tony and Kim to Albuquerque to visit the entire Bish clan. We've also got a camping trip planned with some friends in August. She loves to be around people, so she should have a fantastic summer.

Hi, I'm eight months old!

It's impossible to catch this kid not smiling. I am so fortunate to have a little one who is so happy all the time. It's hard to believe that it's been eight months since I spent three days in the hospital wondering who this little creature was and how in the world I would be able to take care of her. We've had more than our share of challenges in the past few months, but so far it's nothing we can't handle. Actually, Sidney has made it much easier than I ever thought it could be. All she has to do is show me that amazing smile every morning and all is right with the world.

Hi, I'm seven months old!

Seriously, this kid never stops smiling.

What is Sidney up to these days?

I'm approaching seven months of sharing my life with little Sidney. She has quickly become the most important person in my life and, surprisingly, one of the most dependable. Her smile first thing in the morning is reason enough to drag myself out of bed at 5:15am to get us ready for work and school. She whines when she is tired. She cries when she is hungry. And when she's not sleeping, she's smiling and laughing at whatever you're doing in front of her. She is thriving in school and is even learning some pretty cool tricks. Yesterday, a little boy one month older who is much more mobile than Sidney took a toy away from her. She watched him with it for a few seconds, and when she saw her chance, simply snatched it back. She never cried. She never whined. This is my daughter. She is already learning not to take it lying down. And this is life.

She is rolling over onto her stomach, but can't get back. She's spending more and more time sitting up. She is still sleeping through the night despite a few recent middle-of-the-night whiny sessions. Usually, it's a lost pacifier or she rolled onto her tummy and is frustrated and uncomfortable. It doesn't take much to get her back to sleep.

The past few months have brought some changes to Sidney's young life, but you wouldn't know it to look at her. She is the happiest, brightest kid I know. Yeah, everyone says that about their little ones, but meet her and you'll see.

Hi, I am 6 months old!

OK, so I'm a week late in getting this pic posted. I hope the cuteness of this kid makes you forget that. Thumbs up!

There's nothing this kid can't do

OK. I know every parent says that about their kid, but Sidney continues to amaze me on a daily basis. She started eating peas and green beans this week and we never had one moment of trouble. If anything, Mom and Dad had more difficulty than she did. She's just practicing right now. She still gets a bottle for most of her nourishment, but she's seems to be ready for real food. She watches people eat and makes chewing motions as if she really wants that hamburger or taco. I can't wait until I can share my love of food with her. I hope she's not too picky, but isn't every kid picky at some point?

Mom goes back to work on March 1. Next week will be a transition week for day care. We'll spend some time there together with her teacher and then I'll leave her for an hour a couple times. What will I do with my free hour? Perhaps a nice, relaxing hour in a cafe. I am ready to go back to work and start making a living again, but I will miss spending my days with Sid. She's becoming a real person with an actual individual personality, so she's fun to hang out with.

We're still waiting on teeth, rolling over and sitting up. Wait until she meets the other kids in her day care room. She'll be running around with them in no time.

2010 will bring many changes in Sidney's life, but I'm sure she'll handle all of them like a pro. She's got this.

Hi, I'm five months old!

Hard to believe she's five months old already. She's begun solid foods and is quickly outgrowing her 6 month clothes. Two more weeks home with Mom and then it's off to day care. Mom is looking forward to going back to work, but it will be a tough transition. She's such a happy kid and adjusts well to every situation, so we think she'll love hanging out with other kids during the day.

My First Cereal

Hooray! Sidney is ready for cereal!!

Hi, I'm 4 months (and 1 day) old!

Happy, healthy and 16 lbs today.